I ate a half pan of brownies late last night when all the kids were in bed.
After I was done journaling about abandonment feelings.
After I had posted an encouraging quote for my Facebook support group for ladies working through Lysa TerKeurst’s Made to Crave.
After I had taken a chip at Celebrate Recovery to mark day one for me in overcoming this addiction to sugar.
After resolving that THIS was going to be my last day one.
I was SO sure.
Well, just like the sheep being led to slaughter, I dove in to those evil, cursed brownies. It was like a haze just fell over me.
I didn’t want the brownies. I wasn’t really hungry. But I was sad. And lonely. And empty. And they were there.
To be sure, there was SOME thought going on in my head – a conscious decision did happen. But it was clouded with the lies of that same serpent who tempted Eve.
I thought to myself, ok, just this ONE last time. I know I shouldn’t, but I’ll just work out in the morning, and that’ll equal everything out. It’s not such a big deal.
So yes, I did consider what I was doing.
But I didn’t consider the moments after that one.
The one where I would have to have yet another day one.
The one where I snapped out of that haze and couldn’t un-eat the brownies and had to explain to God where those crumbs on my shirt had come from.
Or the one where I would have to confess to all the Made to Crave ladies that I, the person who initiated the online group, gave in to temptation and was having to start over.
To be honest, I considered keeping it to myself. After all, who was ever going to know?
And no one would have.
And I just couldn’t live with that.
I wasn’t about to claim victory when it wasn’t real.
I wasn’t about to pretend like I’d accomplished something I had not.
So I’m back at day one.
I am angry at myself, ashamed of myself and, well, super irritated with myself.
But I’m not going to further dishonor God by wallowing there.
Instead, I’m getting back up. Moving forward. Recommitting. And laying this addiction at the cross.
Recovery is going to be a choice, I get that. But God will have to give me strength for that, because honestly, I just don’t have it. He’s going to have to, as Lysa says in Made to Crave, unsettle me. Daily. Moment to moment. Deicsion to decision.
Please God, UNSETTLE ME. Fight for me. Create in me a clean heart. Thank you that your mercies are new today and every day.
He gave me this scripture to mark my new day one:
“Lord our God, other lords besides you have ruled over us, but your name alone do we honor. They are now dead, they live no more; their spirits do not rise; You punished them and brought them to ruin; you wiped out all memory of them.” — Isaiah 26:13-14
This fall, I am taking on two exciting leadership roles in the Church and I know that God does not expect anyone to be perfect. But I do know I’m held to a higher standard as a leader. And that known sin just isn’t okay.
And my binge eating is known sin.
So it has to stop.
I fell asleep thinking of this song by Jeremy Camp. Today, I’m listening to it asking God to take away my need to be filled by food or relationships or anyone and anything besides Him.
If you have a second, could you pray for me and all of us who are struggling with food issues? You’d be surprised how many people you know who are affected by the same things.